CHRIST DIARIES 001: BEING A 15 YR OLD LUKEWARM CHRIST BELIEVER ❤️

*This is a story from a trusted friend of mine*

Psalm 23 | NKJV

1 | The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want 

2 | He maketh me lie down in green pastures: He leadeth me beside the still waters. 

3 | He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake 

4 | Yea, though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 

5 | Thou preparest a table before in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 

6 | Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever. 

Hello, my name is Anneya McKaylah. I am 15 years old, and this fall, I will be starting my junior year of high school. I love Jesus Christ wholeheartedly, yet sometimes it feels like my devotion isn’t enough. I often find myself placing other things above Him. I can admit that I stress a lot—about the future I want and the past that’s already gone. While my body is in the present, my mind is everywhere but here.

There are many things I want to accomplish before graduating from high school, and I constantly think and worry about them. Even when I tell myself that I’ve placed my dreams and beliefs in God’s hands, I still find myself worrying and trying to take matters (control) into my own hands. Despite reading my Bible regularly, I feel resistance in my heart because I lack control.

One thing that particularly troubles me is that I’m never proud of myself or what I’ve already accomplished at my age. I feel this way because I often compare myself to others—what they have, how far they’ve reached in life, and my own dreams. These comparisons and aspirations overshadow the pride I should have in my own achievements.

A list of some my accomplishments 

1. 30+ awards accumulating from 2016-2024 
2. Valedictorian in 8th Grade 
3. Maintaining a GPA of 4.0 conservatively for my 9th and 10th grade year of high school 
4. Publishing a journal for women on Amazon.
5. In the process of writing and publishing my debut book. 

In the midst of it all, I have lost my father. He passed away from cancer in 2023, leaving a void that seems impossible to fill. I've succumbed to dark influences, engaging in devious and self-destructive behaviors (FYI I have never smoked, drunk, etc) . It feels like I've been through hell, with a persistent, gnawing thought always lurking in the back of my mind. Fykyk 

I don't think I will ever feel truly proud of myself because a piece of me is missing—one I've tried to replace with materialistic things, to no avail. I can admit, I've used Jesus as a means to get what I want, expecting miracles and change without truly understanding or committing. Even when I've ended up in worse situations or seen no change at all, I've continued to search for my earthly self and place in life through Jesus. This approach might make sense to others, but to me, it feels very hollow and confusing.

Psalm 23 is my favorite scripture; its words resonate with me deeply. "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want." Yet, every day, I find myself pleading and preaching to God for earthly desires, unable to reconcile this contradiction. Growing up in a Christian household, I've held onto my faith, but nothing in my life seems to be enough. My knowledge of the Bible is immense, though I haven't finished reading it. Still, I feel that what I know isn't sufficient for my relationship with Jesus to grow, and I resist at times because when I turn to my Bible it is not always pure. Knowing that I try my best to be the person Jesus wants be to be before opening back my Bible but it worsens because other things seems to get in the way and I always return back to where I was. It’s like doing two full 180’s knowingly being upset with myself because of it. 

This internal struggle is exhausting. Despite my extensive knowledge of the Bible and my Christian upbringing, I feel spiritually unfulfilled and adrift. I yearn for a deeper, more meaningful relationship with Jesus, but I remain stuck in a cycle of superficial faith and unmet desires. The journey to find the missing piece of myself continues, as does the search for true fulfillment and peace.

I hold on to what I want to accomplish because I believe it will justify or make me slightly proud of what I already accomplished. (This is my main issue) 

A list of things that I will/want to accomplish: 

1. Successfully publishing my book “Breaking The Chains”.
2. Successfully launching my clothing brand “Kayanne Essence Blessed” 
3. Graduating in 2026 as Valedictorian 
4. Being accepted in Stanford, Duke, Oxford, or Harvard University 
5. Starting a non-profit organization for children who are in need. 
6. Buying my mom and family a house 
7. Modeling
8. Community service & Internships 
9. “The World’s Kaleidoscope” becoming world wide. 
10. Helping my community and everyone around me
11. And much more 

And if you see that God is nowhere on that list, it's a reflection of my current state of mind. Right now, all I can focus on is what God might have in store for me, rather than the journey to get there. My thoughts are consumed by the potential wealth I could accumulate and how it might transform my life. 

In the midst of this materialistic obsession, I know my heart is still filled with love and kindness, but these virtues are overshadowed by the lure of money. "Money is the root of all evil"—a statement I find myself agreeing with more and more. Even if I were to amass great wealth, I know deep down that I would never be happy. A great part of me would still be missing—the part that identifies me as a daughter of God.

This conflict between my spiritual values and worldly desires creates a constant struggle within me. I recognize that love and kindness are my true nature, yet they are often undermined by my pursuit of financial success. Despite the allure of money, I understand that it can't fill the void left by my spiritual disconnect. I yearn to reconnect with my faith and embrace my identity as a child of God, knowing that this is the true path to fulfillment and peace. And honestly I want that more than anything. But I also want to make everyone else around me happy. 

I am a(n)

• Sister 
• Daughter 
• Granddaughter 
• Author
• Friend 
• Daughter of God 

I believe I need to forget/rest all my other titles and discover who I am solely as a daughter of Christ. This realization is what led me to start the Christ Diaries. Through this journey, I hope to learn more about myself while also helping others. Even if no one else sees this, I will be in awe of my journey. This is just the beginning of exploring my earthly existence.

I realize that I am a lukewarm believer in Christ, having knowingly placed other things before God with the misguided belief that I would eventually have more time to devote to Him. However, I am learning that this is not always the case. 

⭐️Key goal: is to be baptized in the name of Jesus. This signifies a profound transformation, and I am committed to my journey of embracing my faith wholeheartedly, shedding my past distractions, and focusing on my true identity as a child of God.

This may be short, but it is a start. ❤️

Christ Diaries 002 will delve more into : 

• Past traumas 
• It will be a part 2 to introducing myself 
• Giving up what I want, to be with God 
• A scripture that sticks with me. (explaining why) 
• Why I started this diary. 
• Talk about the values of a Godly woman.